We are living in a liminal time.
Liminal spaces are corridors or passage ways that we move through rather than stop at. They're transitional places, in-betweeny places. Liminal space is also that place between a transformation: no longer a caterpillar, but not yet a butterfly. It is a time between 'what was' and the 'next'. We are all transforming in one way or the other during this pandemic.
I have spent the last almost year putting my own oxygen mask on first, restoring myself, re-discovering myself. I willing stepped into enforced lockdown and honestly, I welcomed it with big wide open arms. Finally: time to stop, time to reset, and time to recover from being so ‘on’ the whole time. At last: time to shut the door, huddle in with myself & my loved ones, with nowhere to go and no need to rush after everyone else. No requirement to get anywhere. The thing that I had been craving for years was finally here - permission to stop. I let go and leaned into it. Gratefully.
As I stopped, the shedding began. No more jumping to others expectations, no more putting up, no more shutting up, no more ‘others first’, no more ‘I will when’, no more ‘people pleasing’, no more ‘I’d best just do it’, no more yes when I meant no. And so many more 'no mores'. I shed things that I can’t necessarily articulate, but that I felt drop away. I risked seeing who and what was left in my life. The discomfort of the initial shedding eventually eased, and the shedding eventually slowed. The core that was underneath, and within, began to shine through. My core being, that has been strengthening and assuring itself slowly but consistently over this last decade finally felt ready to show itself and hold its own.
A slow trickle of shedding continued and my core told me to wait. To hold steady and to hold my ground. At the end of last lockdown it told me I wasn’t yet ready. I vocalised it to friends by saying ‘I can’t be trusted yet’! We laughed, knowing that I possibly could, but also that more than likely I’d jump back into responding and reacting and putting everyone else’s oxygen mask on first again. My core held steady, telling me it was ok - I’d be ok. Trust me, you have time. Stay grounded with me here and breath, because I've got you.
This precious cargo that is my core self has been nurtured through so many years of self work. It held strong and courageous throughout this whole time and now it’s telling me that the shedding is complete.
In this current lockdown, my core is now energising. It’s ready, I’m ready. We’re not quite sure for what. But the armour and protection is no longer needed.
So in this liminal place I wait, not held back, not restricted. Quite the opposite infact. I wait in this space, breathing and taking it all in. Looking back at how I was, and all the wonderful things that have been. I see the struggle that I had with myself, the covering up, the keeping myself small, the fear of being fully seen as myself. I also acknowledge the amazing things that I did and that I achieved from that place of being. I was strong in a different way. I wait in this liminal space which could easily feel empty. There’s so much that’s been shed and let go off, yet I’ve consciously not looked to fill it. In this liminal space I feel opulence and potent potential.
There was a wall in front of me. It is really not much more than a thin screen now. I stand behind it, knowing that soon that will fade away. I know that behind it there is space, more space. This space contains colour, beauty, wonder, nature, joy, laughter, and song. There’s lots of yellow, white, gold, pink, and blue in this space..
I’m staying in this liminal space for a bit longer. I'm feeling all that I am within myself, knowing that this is what I take forward with me from this place. I’m breathing it in and gathering its energy and strength. When I’m ready to move on from this place, which will be soon, the screen will fade away and reveal the full freedom of all that is in front of me. And I will walk strong and forward into the rest of my life.
I am Caroline Toshack. Movement is my passion, my mirror, my creative source and outlet. I am a therapist, coach, educator, geek, yogi, mover and creative who loves getting muddy on her bike, running in the hills and having pyjama days.